Derek, Give me a call so we can schedule an interview. BTW Your resume is interesting to say the least.

Alan A.

Sales Manager

BLG Balboa Law Group

For reasons I’d rather not discuss, I’m currently looking for a job. Craigslist is a hell of a resource for all sorts of commerce, but the job listings are making me suicidal. Sure, there is some measure of irony to be found when ads in the writing/editing section read:

LOOKNG FRO EPEERISENCED EDITORS/COPYWR IGTHERS WITH MPECCABLE GRAMMER! 5+ EXWPEIRIENCE YEARS A MUST! ATTETNITON TOO DETAIL MUST BE YOU’RE TOP PRIOTYS!

But after wading my way through this crap constantly, I’m purely furious. When the standard of professionalism is so violently low, and people ass-rape English (in all-caps, no less), I can’t help but wonder why the hell they are employed and I’m not.

Thus, using these job posters as my sample pool, I’ve decided that absolutely no one who is currently employed by a company that is so pathetic as to be willing to post garbage on Craigslist is qualified for their job.  If they buck they system, I want to too. So I start applying to whatever the hell I want. Here are some of my emails from today. They get weirder as I begin to care less.

Hey California Chicken Cafe,

I’m writing to express interest in the positions available with your restaurant. I’m a recent UCSB graduate who just moved to the area and I’m looking to get back into the food industry. I have managerial experience in the kitchen as well as experience in both the front and back of the house, catering and limited bartending. I’m willing to fill in wherever you’ve got space because I need to find some income soon before I have to start turning tricks on the street. I also love chicken to an almost uncomfortable degree, so I would be very happy to surround myself with healthy, grilled poultry all day. The very thought is making my mouth water.

My resume and a stunning photo are attached.

Cheers,
Derek Mead

Dearest Jenny,

As a former homeless man, I know how valuable clean clothes can be. With that in mind, I want to do whatever I can to help people do their laundry as conveniently as possible. Hell, I’ll come out and say it: I want to develop a fleet of successful laundries, and make some serious cash while doing it. If you’re interested in that last sentence in the least bit, then I’m your man.

Now, I’m not DRE licensed, but in this economy, who cares? All we need to do is hook up some washers and dryers, and the quarters will come flying like silver rain. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it. As for speaking in Korean or Chinese, I’m not exactly fluent, but last time I was in K-Town I was pretty successful in conversation at the strip club. I figure the same vocabulary applies.

Money is waiting to be made. Let’s do this!

My resume and a headshot are attached. If you need anything more, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Cheers,
Derek Mead

Hey Brother,

I’m writing to express interest to your ad “Ready To Make Top $$$$$$” on Craiglist. Excuse me for being crass, but let me answer as succinctly as possible: FUCK YES I’M READY TO MAKE $$$$$$$!

Background:
My whole life I’ve wanted to “make it rain” in a strip club. Like Adam “Pac-Man” Jones, I’d like to walk into a bar full of naked women while wearing a Hello Kitty backpack full of tens of thousands of singles and just throw paper at every good looking girl in the building, whether they are a professional dancer or not. I lie awake at night wondering how I can make this happen, and now my prayers have been answered: taking one (or all) of the three positions available with your firm. You ask me if I want to take my income to the next tax bracket and tell me that your top earner makes 50K per month? I say hogwash. I’m moving up two brackets and making 100K a month. It’s that simple: I love money, and I want the opportunity to get make as much as I can.

Qualifications:
I’m well-spoken, attractive and quite smooth. I’m also a phenomenally gifted peer pressurer, and can convince anyone to do whatever I want. Translate that to sales, and BOOM, I’m your top earner. Combined with my already-professed desire to get rich, what other qualifications do I need?

My resume and a photo are attached.

Cheers,
Derek

Re: EXPIRENCED LOAN NEGOCIATOR FOR LOAN MOFICATOR COMPANY.
MUST SPEAK FLUENT ENGLISH AND SPANISH

To whom it may concern,

I’m writing to express interest in the bank negotiator position available with your moficator company as advertised on Craigslist. I feel that I am perfectly qualified for the position because I am an unbelievable haggler. For example, last week a telemarketer called trying to sell me an automatic cat feeder, and by the end of the phone call the woman was convinced to sell me her car for a dollar. With the feeder in the trunk!

In this type of position, a successful candidate must have one important quality: a complete lack of respect for banks. Sure, they try to act high and mighty, but when we’re talking loans, I don’t give a fuck who’s in on the conference call. I’m a tiger, and if those banks don’t feed me some quality meat, I’ll attack. They don’t want to renegotiate our clients’ loans in a manner favorable to us? See how they pay off their Camry when we stop paying the fucking loan all together.

It’s not below me to bust out some theatrics to help negotiations. The media hates all the banks anyway, so let’s have join our fight! Say Joe Billionaire will not come down the half-percent our client needs to keep paying her grandma’s life support bills. Time for a mother fucking hunger strike right outside Joe’s office. If poor Granny Jane can’t be kept on life support, by God I’ll put myself there in her place. That’s how much I care about your clients, and I’m not even hired yet. Imagine the heat I’ll be bringing every day once I actually get paid for it.

My resume is attached.

Regards,
Derek Mead

By the way, I’ve already gotten a call back from the last one. My Spanish is too bad to understand what the job entails, but I think I’m hired.